The problem with Americans is none other than our ignorance. We are, in our estimation, the most important nation on the planet and everyone else should thank their lucky stars (soon to be required on every flag) that we even let them keep from dying of thirst by drinking our piss. I wrote this for a class this year about what America thinks it's really all about (other than the Hokey Pokey)
The United States was founded in 1776 and from our humble beginnings as greatest nations on the planet, to the point we are now at, Jesus??? second home, we have been lead by truly incredible citizens. Sure, it hasn???t been perfect, what with folks like JFK and some one named ???Noam Chomsky,??? but even the late Dale Ernhartt lost a few. It takes a special person to be a Real American.
Not anyone can be a real American. Let???s look at the second word first, because looking at the first word first just wouldn???t make sense, like choosing a leader based on the popular vote. Americans are anyone who pushes their heads out of a 4-inch hole inside of their mother, who is a hardworking, Christian; McDonald???s loving American, or it does not count. Many have tried to bypass this law, for example Albert Einstein came to America in the thirties to work a blue color job here, but apparently, hE did not = an aMerican Citizen squared! Don???t worry if you do not understand, the No Child Left Behind Act assures you that, after just 13 years of education, you will be able to recite important facts, and not think for yourself. Won???t that be fun?
Ok, so you successfully endured nine months inside the womb living a lounging life of sucking of the umbilical cord and floating gaily (but still straight) in amniotic fluid. Be prepared for a hard life ahead, because Real Americans do not believe in welfare or ???Social Security.??? Just because those lazy old people can???t walk doesn???t mean Joe American should have to take food off his table, for his attractive wife and three scout children, just so Beatrice McOldfart can watch ???Matlock??? and treat her crippling arthritis and colon cancer. Not in my America!
You will begin educating by watching educational television programs such as ???Sesame Street??? and ???Barney,??? and never again watch Public Television again in your life, ???cuz River Dance is queer. You will enroll in our fine public elementary schools at age five and begin to think for yourself as we teach you to count and read and tell you when to eat and sleep. Each day at school will be an incredible new experience for you, but remember, questioning authority is futile. You will be given the opportunity to interact with your peers in programs like scouting, tee-ball, and dance, building bonds that will last a lifetime, assuming that you do not grow intellectually past the age of seven. You will continue to learn to repeat facts like a phonograph, maintaining the memory of an elephant, or else you will be an incredible, um Jag . And remember, the cooler people think you are, the more God loves you, so play sports that involve violence and keep on not asking questions! In high school, you will be defined forever as who you are, so be on your best behavior and comb that hair. The magical experiences of going to dances, athletic competitions and watching enormous TeeVees during your assigned food consumption period will guide you through your entire life. Your teachers, all incredibly trained in their field of expertise and well compensated for their services will assign you letters, remember those from 8 years ago, that will tell you how good of a person you are. Make sure you work hard, for these arbitrary estimates of your ability to spew facts like fuel from an on fire six cylinder, V-8 with a solid iron chasse, 450 horse power engine, plus a whole bunch of safety crap you don???t really need will follow you all through your life, determining everything about you.
After high school, most of you young folks will attend college or wind up as poor, wifeless hobos. You will meet new people and find just one super girl or keen guy that you will spend your life with. You???ll graduate with a BA and get a nice job back in the suburbs where you grew up. After you settle down and buy a modest home, work at your jobs from 9-5, with weekends and holidays off, while the kids are at day care, you will have the ultimate privilege: voting. It is so popular, that over 110% of all citizens vote for every single election. You, the sterling genius of the republic that you are, will have a say in who does what for who and when. Only a select few get the privilege of having one vote, some of you may get two, if you are in the right clubs#.
A few of you may even be lucky enough to have the honor of representing our country in our clean-burning, efficient machine that is the United States government. You will be especially scrutinized for your ability to shake hands, kiss babies, repeat talking point smart people give you, and, most importantly, how your hair and teeth look. Despite the high pay and extraordinary power, this will not be easy. The average United States Senator works 120 days per year! That???s almost once every three days. One day, you may be able to climb the ladder of power, by death, impeachment, sex scandal, or even war, all the way to the top: the Presidency.
Though each American dreams of being president, only 43 have succeeded, forcing the other hundreds of millions to find pointless busy work, like back in history class. This would probably be a good time to point out that if you???re Jewish, a minority, a chick or don???t believe in God, find another gig. This leader of the entire world has a tough job, including but not limited to; pardoning a turkey, throwing out the first pitch at the Nationals game, choosing who we should secretly go to war with, and how much his fellow people pay for everything. Some have abused this power. The aforementioned John F. Kennedy was known for getting tons of booty and God smited him for these unspeakable acts while he was in the great state of Texas. Yeeeee Haaaw!!! Bill Clinton or ???Slick Willy*??? was also known to be quite the ladies man and was impeached by the Congress, but the Senate, which was filled with pimps and gigolos and Ted Kennedy, let him hang around. But he got his when his memoirs were outsold by the latest Harry Potter adventure after a pathetic 13 weeks atop the New York Times list. If you still don???t know what a book is or even the New York Times, don???t worry, worst case scenario, you grow up to be a two-term, war time president.
Your reign as king will not last long, for after the nightmare of the depression-ending, WWII-winning, fireside chattin??? twelve years that was the Roosevelt Administration. But don???t worry; you can still get gigs speaking to Rotarians and third-graders, and be paid less than Shattner. That is when those seven years at Yale really pay off! Keep on not asking questions too. They only lead to trouble.
By this time, you will probably very old. Start golfing and jogging. Hopefully, you socked away enough cash in surplus campaign contributions to live in the life of luxury with your 27-year-old wife. Poke your head in at the White House once in a while and, just for kicks, make a cameo in the latest Charlie???s Angel flick. Cameron Diaz will still be hott then, don???t worry, and you cant spell House of Representatives without HOTT. Other than that, relax and enjoy your extraordinarily golden years eating dodo eggs and playing in space. Maybe get your picture on some cash.
The life of a Real American is a noble one. If you meet all of the criteria^, enjoy your life of being hated by the rest of the world. Make sure that you do all of these things and just nod and smile when we tell you to do something. If anyone questions how much of a Real American, toss out these immortal quotes: ???Freedom isn???t free,??? ???Support our troops,??? ???USA, USA, USA,??? and of course, ???$h!+ happens.??? God Bless America! That???s a good one too. Now, go out there and enjoy that beautiful American life, and don???t worry about taxes or gas prices. Any questions? Very good, you???re learning quickly.
* Not what you think it means, or is it?
^ Note: If you have read this far, you are ineligible to be a Real American. Drink Coke. Play again.